I AM ALISON

This past weekend, I FINALLY got to learn a lot more about myself. I'm not afraid to say that I finally took off some heavy weights that have been on my back for the past two years. Or as my mom says, clearing out the nests that other bird have built in my head.

Lately, I've had a problem with church. I was a hardcore church person before as I used to put my faith into "God" and believe that everything was going to be okay. However, when I read and had open discussions about some novels in A.P. Literature, I was, I guess you can say, tainted. The author's statements of some novels made me think about the world and how much shit there is. In summary of this class, I learned, besides the curriculum of the class, that the world is full of shit, no matter how much everyone tries to change it for the better. If we try to change one thing, another bad thing will come up. Also, there's always people who try to inflict pain on others; rapists, criminals, bullies, etc. I felt insignificant because I was just one person in the world.

This was the first weight to be placed on my back. I didn't know what the point in life was. I know I sound suicidal or whatever, but I'm not willing to kill myself. That's too lowly of an action. I was just confused about everything and wanted some answers.

There were no answers.

Of course, there comes a time in a person's life where we go crazy. Thank god I was finally had my crazy moment this weekend. This was the first time in a long time where I cried and bawled like a baby. I cried so much that my body was shaking and it was getting hard to breathe. Of course, the next morning, my eyes were freakin' puffy and my sinuses were stuffed. Nonetheless, I learned a lot about myself. To keep this simple, I'll put it in a list:

• I'm weak
• I'm soft
• I'm a huge pessimist
• I'm too nice
• I can't form my own opinions
• I go with the flow of people

Some may say that I am being too hard on myself, but it is true. I prefer it if people are straight forward with me rather than hide the truth. The problem is, in this situation, I take everything into heart. I need to take the criticism and improve upon it. It's funny, how one part of me always pushes me to do better and challenge myself, while the other is weak and conforms to what other people think. 

I'm am grateful to have parents. Especially parents who are willing to talk to me about anything. Sure there are those days when I don't want to listen to them at all or think that I'm always right, but in this case, they are a life saver. I asked questions concerning life and how I am as a person. I also talked about my friend and how they were leeching off of my nice manner.  To nicely sum everything that I learned: 

• I need to fight for myself and who I am.
• I must be nice righteously. 
• Don't let other people take advantage of me.
• Be nice in a smart way. 
• I must take care of myself before I take on the problems of the world. 
• In reality, not everyone can take on the problems of the world, so there's no need to get overworked on it. 
• I must learn to maintain the peace between myself and other people and learn how to interact with others. 
• I can't always let myself suffer, it's not keeping the peace. 
• Sometimes the obvious is right. 
• Being semi-hipster, I always thought that I shouldn't judge people or things in general before I got to learn about it.
• But there are times where things are plainly black and white. 
• When people are joking, that's the time to joke. 
• If one person becomes offended, be clear with them. 
• "If you are hurt, we cannot play this game with you."
• Don't make a big deal about losing a friend. 
• It's his/her loss if they aren't willing to change for you. 
• There are always other friends I can hang out with. 
• My parents know a lot. A LOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. 
• They've been through a lot in their lives, why do I have to keep carrying the weights when I can easily learn how to live with out it? Just listen to them. 

I feel a lot better about my actions. Before, I always felt guilty about not pleasing others or offending them, when in reality it's not a big deal at all. It's not as if someone is badly injured or is dying. With all of this in mind, I feel as if I can relive life being more comfortable with myself. I even feel more motivated live life more and to become a better person. 

And yes mommy, (I do call my mom mommy and my dad daddy), I will clean my room. I now know how true your words are. 

I AM ALISON